


cyan.

by LJT



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Changing POVs, Coming Out, F/F, Mentions of homophobia, No bunker scenes, post season one, they‘re still on the island
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:29:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28226154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LJT/pseuds/LJT
Summary: Toni and Shelby try to figure out their feelings for each other, as they’re trying to survive on the island.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 23
Kudos: 351





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello out there! 
> 
> What can I say - they stole my heart. And that happens rarely. And because I didn’t get enough of them, I decided to write my own version.  
> No idea where this will lead, but welcome aboard! 
> 
> Warning: mentions of shark attack as well as a few other ways of people getting hurt. No one dies though. Also: lots of adorable cute gay girls. 
> 
> Enjoy and leave a comment if you want more!

As they stand and stare into the ocean in utter shock, Shelby leans into Toni for support. Toni wraps her arm around Shelby to keep herself from spiraling. But the ocean stays as calm as it was before, as if nothing ever happened, and it’s only for Shelby that Toni doesn’t lose her mind right here and now. 

Toni managed so far. So far she could deal with all this shit because hey, what else does she have? 

Nothing. Everyone here has someone who loves them. Someone who looks for them. And she? What does she have? She has a borrowed family and one friend, who happens to be stuck in the same hell as her. She has worn out clothes, no money, no future and lots of build up anger. 

Shelby’s body quivers, and Toni pulls her closer instinctively, their eyes still set onto the waves that seem to have swallowed both Reid sisters. 

It was all okay until a few minutes ago. Everything was good. As good as things can be in their situation. Not even ten minutes ago Shelby kissed her on that hill, and everything suddenly felt... right. Like it’s a really good thing to be here. There was this hopeful feeling rising in Toni’s chest that she didn’t know but loved immediately. She’d give it all to go back there. 

And then Martha screamed.

„Come on.“ Shelby whispers, her eyes fixated onto the water, nervously Toni’s hand. „Come on, girls.“

Toni knows she should look away, it’s been minutes since Nora went under and even more time since Rachel disappeared. But she can’t give up the last bit of hope, because she doesn’t have anything left but hope. For all she knows they’ll probably die out here, and she has to hope they can make it out alive. She may not be missed but Shelby? Shelby would. 

And then Rachel comes up for air close to the beach and they all move as one, sprinting through the sand to get the girl out of the dangerous waters. 

Rachel is pale and bloody, that’s all Toni has time to notice before she and Fatin catch the girl and pull her out onto the sand. 

Shelby screams something, Dot shouts for Leah to get their supplies. But Leah screams for Nora - not in a panicked way, more in an angry and absolutely mental way. The girl has lost her mind days ago, she won’t be any use. 

They carry Rachel to the campside and lay her down on Martha‘s makeshift bed, and that’s when they see. Or don’t. 

It’s missing. 

The fucking shark bit her fucking hand off. 

The thing is, Toni has seen a lot of shit in her life. She has seen men beating their wives and children, has seen gunshot wounds, junkies who overdozed, dead corpses. Name it, she saw it. 

But when she sees that - or rather the lack of it - it’s just too much. She turns and hurls the little food her stomach held right into the sand. 

She wishes she could say she acts like a hero. That she saves Rachel. But the truth is, she can’t even fucking move. 

She sinks into the sand, fisting her hands into it as she helplessly watches Fatin, Martha and Dot trying to save their friend‘s life. 

Friend. 

They’ve become friends simply over the fact that they’re stranded on a deserted fucking island together. All their differences, they’re family issues or personal reasons don’t matter anymore. These girls here are more family than Toni ever had. 

But Toni can’t ... 

All she later remembers is blood, too much blood, and Rachel’s screams. A sound so horrible, that’s sure she’ll have nightmares from it years from now. 

And she remembers Shelby. Kisses and touches and sounds. She remembers blonde hair and a mole that looks like a butterfly on creamy skin, she remembers fingertips running through her hair and laughter. She starts listing all Shelby-things she can think of. 

„Toni.“ Something cold and wet touches her forehead. „Can you hear me?“

_58\. Shelby blinks twice when she’s nervous._

„Toni.“ Two soft hands touch her face, cupping it gently. „Hey.“

„She’s in shock.“ Martha says.

„Aren’t we all?“ Fatin comments dryly. 

_59\. Shelby cursed exactly eleven times._

„She has been rocking back and forth for over an hour.“

„She’s the only one who hasn’t lost it before, give her a break. She’ll be okay.“ Fatin replies. „As okay as we’ll ever be.“

„Toni.“ 

_Again. That sound._

Suddenly everything is a beautiful shade of cyan. 

„Hey.“ Shelby says. „There you are.“

Toni blinks. And then she catches Shelby‘s eyes. „Shelby.“ She breathes, getting a little lost in green and blue and turquoise and... she forget all the colors. „You’re okay.“

Shelby nods. „I am. We’re okay.“ She says softly, almost like a whisper. 

Toni finds herself leaning into Shelby’s touch, desperate to feel close to her. 

Soft fingertips run through her hair. „Shh. It’s okay.“

But then it all comes back to her. Plane crash. Island. Shelby. Shark. „Rachel?“

„She’s alive.“

„For now.“ Fatin comments. 

„You’re such an asshole!“ Shelby snaps at her, pulling back from Toni. 

„Just realistic.“

Toni takes a shuddering breath as she tries to grasp anything. „Nora?“

Shelby doesn’t move, but her eyes well with tears and that’s all the confirmation Toni needs. 

This is a fucking horror show. 

An urge to move rises inside of her and she can only hold it for a couple of seconds before it becomes overwhelming. 

She jumps to her feet and runs. Away from the bloody sand, away from her girls, away from the crash and everything related. She just runs down the beach and runs and runs until her legs give out and she crashes into the sand. 

Something hurts, but she can’t make out what, she just stays on the ground and rolls onto her back to look at the clouds above. 

Fluffy white little... what do clouds consist of again? She squints a few times, but doesn’t remember. 

Nora would know. 

_Nora._

Toni starts laughing. First toneless, then louder and louder until she’s laughing so hysterically, her sides start aching. 

Maybe she’s losing it. Her mind, if she ever had it. Maybe this is how Leah feels like, how they all feel like. It takes a deserted island in the middle of nowhere, a plane crash and people dying to feel like everybody else. 

And if that isn’t fucking ironic. 

...


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello wonderful people. 
> 
> Here you go!

...

Shelby helplessly watches Toni run away. She wishes she could follow her down the beach, wrap her arms around Toni and tell her everything would be alright. But she knows, she’d never let her go. And right now she can’t bear dealing with a pillar of her life breaking down. Not in front of everyone. Not today, not after this horrible afternoon they’ve had to face.

So she stays and turns away from the beach, finding herself instantly met with Fatin‘s questioning eyes. 

„Don’t.“ She says. 

„Your choice.“ Fatin replies, shrugs and returns to Dot, who watches over Rachel like their lives depend on her. 

Maybe they do. Losing Nora is terrible enough, but the loss of both Reid sisters would tear them apart - and with it their chances for survival. 

Suddenly, Shelby feels alone. More alone than ever in her life, and up until this moment she was sure that „alone“ was her middle name. Oh, how wrong she was. 

The last hours have been such a roller coaster ride, she can’t fathom how it all fits into the span of hours. Days maybe. Months for sure. But hours? 

„I’m going to check on her.“ Martha says after a while and gets up from the stone she was sitting on follow Toni. 

All Shelby wants to say is: No, let me do it. 

But she doesn’t. Instead she sits down by Rachel’s side and prays. 

She prays for a miracle to bring Nora back. For Rachel to survive. For them to get rescued. She prays for anything her mind can come up with, and desperately tries to hold back her tears. 

And when she’s out of prayers for everybody else, she prays for something she can hold onto. She clings to her necklace and begs silently for a sign for herself. An answer maybe, a path. 

But seems Jesus has gone quiet. As quiet as the ocean that swallowed Nora whole. 

„She’s burning up.“ Dot says as the sun begins to set. 

„Shit.“

„I’ll get the bag, let’s see what we have.“ Shelby offers, relieved to be able to do something useful. 

She brings the bag back to Dot and holds out the rest of their supplies. Some weak pain killers, some anti-inflammatory pills, a small rest of disinfectant. 

_Let it be enough to save her, please,_ she begs silently to whoever might listen out there. 

She steals a glance into the direction Toni disappeared from view. 

Ever since the crash Shelby has felt on the edge. Maybe she has felt like that all her life, without knowing there’s a way to feel different. But during these few moments with Toni, stolen in time, she has felt different. She has felt at peace, for the first time in her life, and she’d give anything to never stop feeling like that again. 

Seeing Toni in her panicked state earlier left an unsettling, worrying feeling in her stomach. So far the tough and angry basketball player seemed to be the only one who could deal with the whole situation. 

Shelby wouldn’t have admitted it a few days ago, but she admired that from the first day on. Maybe she was jealous of it too.

But watching Toni rocking back and forth, eyes fixated onto the ground and so far out of reach that it took Shelby forever to get through to her? 

For a moment she thought she has lost it all. Even the little bit she had of Toni. 

Does she even have some part of her? Does Toni even want this... whatever it is? 

She kissed her back, sure. But... 

Shelby sighs as her head starts playing tricks on her. Toni said she trusts her. This is a good sign. 

But does Shelby trust herself not to screw it up? That’s another thing. 

As if on cue, two shades come into view.

Maybe it’s the stress of today and the relief she feels as she spots the two girls, maybe it’s fear of letting people out of her sight. She doesn’t know. But Shelby moves before she can second guess it. She runs towards Martha and Toni as fast as she can, and only as she reaches them, her mind catches up on her. 

She can’t just randomly hug Toni. They’ve been at each other’s throats for days. It would be weird. 

Her head starts spinning. 

But Toni sends her a smile - open and kind and calm. It’s reassuring and works like magic on Shelby. It feels odd that Toni has this huge influence on her already, but not a bad kind of odd. It’s beautiful, really. 

Martha looks between them, first as if she was waiting for a new fight, then wondering what’s going on. 

„Hey.“ Shelby chokes out, mentally cursing herself for being so... insecure. 

Toni smiles a little wider, only meeting her eyes for split seconds. „Hey.“

„Hey.“ Martha chimes in, but neither Shelby nor Toni really seem to care about that. 

„I’m glad you’re back. Both of you.“ She looks at Martha now to cover up the fact that she’s only here for Toni. 

Going by the look on Martha‘s face she knows it anyways. 

Shelby doesn’t find it in herself to care though, and joins the two of them on their way back, her pinky hooking into Toni’s for a second. 

—-

The evening is quiet. Unusually so, the events of the day lingering in everybody’s head, and the Nora-shaped gap in their middle still too fresh to speak about it. 

They take turns on watching over Rachel, who barely gained consciousness late that evening, before passing out again. Really, they’re all just kind of sitting as close to her as possible, anxiously taking turns on checking her pulse at least once a minute. 

Neither of them seems hungry, but Dot forces them all to eat at least a little bit. 

Shelby barely manages to get something down, but she doesn’t have the heart to say no to Dot, so she tries for her, for the group. They all need to be strong, so she tries to be strong for them. 

It must be long after midnight when everybody is finally asleep. Well. Except Shelby. She keeps staring into the flames and checks on Rachel’s pulse every few minutes. It helps her feeling useful and grounded. Otherwise, her head is empty. 

She catches herself stealing glances at Toni‘s sleeping face, just like the night before. But this time Toni feels far away over the campfire. 

A huge part of her just wants to go over there and find some peace in the basketball player‘s safe arms, but she’s not ready for the others to know. 

Taking another sip from the bottle with boiled and cooled water, Shelby’s mind drifts off to other things. To Becca, to her Dad, to Jesus, to the life she thought she’d live. 

The island seems to change everything. Is that god‘s plan? Is it his way to test her? Or doesn’t he exist, like Toni says? Is he just an idea to keep people in line? To give them a safe haven and a direction in times of need? To give them hope in hopeless times? 

Well, she couldn’t be more in need, more desperate, more lost than on this island. And yet she doesn’t find any of those things in her belief. Neither it offers her a safe haven, nor any sense of direction. And hope? She only seems to find it when she looks at her girls. 

She takes a shaky breath. Not once has she dared to question her beliefs like that.

Her eyes wander back to Toni’s sleeping face, but she finds her staring back at her. 

After a moment, Toni gets up, adds some wood to the fire, and then carefully climbs over Fatin’s sleeping body to sit next to Shelby. She doesn’t say anything, just sits down and offers her hand palm up. 

Shelby needs more though, and she suddenly doesn’t care about how it might look like in the morning. 

Instead of taking the hand, she climbs between Toni’s legs and leans against her chest. „Can you hold me tonight?“ She asks only then. 

Toni softly kisses her temple and wraps her arms tightly around Shelby’s middle. „Everything you want.“

The position feels rather intimate, but Shelby needs it. She needs Toni’s warmth and her heartbeat, needs to feel her breathing. Amd she needs to believe she can stay right here in this moment forever. If just for tonight. 

Some time later Toni starts drawing soft patterns on the back of Shelby’s hand, moving her fingers up her forearm and back down absentmindedly. 

For the first time today Shelby finds herself really breathing. She relaxes deeper into Toni’s body, soaking up the comfort. 

„Thank you.“ Toni whispers into the night, so quietly that Shelby isn’t sure she really heard it. 

She pulls back far enough to be able to look at Toni, her face lit up by the firelight. God, she looks so damn beautiful like this. „What for?“

Toni just smiles, eyes not leaving the fire. „I’ll tell you another time. You should try to catch some sleep.“

Shelby doesn’t take her eyes off of Toni’s features for a long moment, trying to memorize everything. She’s so gorgeous. And when she smiles... god. 

„Okay.“ She answers quietly, respecting Toni’s hidden request. „Promise?“

„Promise.“

Before she can change her mind, Shelby leans in and places a soft kiss to Toni’s cheek. 

„Try again.“ Toni says, smiling at Shelby now, eyes darting down to Shelby’s lips. 

„Nah, I’ll try another time.“ She steals Toni’s line. 

Toni chuckles quietly. 

The sound has Shelby’s stomach flipping. She wants more of it, more sounds like that and all the other one’s she doesn’t know yet. All Toni will allow her to see. 

„This is good.“ She whispers, thinking back to their talk this noon. 

Its more a realization for herself than anything else. But something so good can’t be wrong. Something that makes her feel like herself after years of suppressing every little piece of her that didn’t fit in correctly, can’t be wrong. It just can’t. 

„Yeah?“ Toni asks carefully. 

Shelby can’t help but smile. Toni reads her so easily, it’s surreal. It’s like the fiery and passionate girl has got a free pass to all her thoughts. She never felt more understood in her life, more seen than right now, as the brunette studies her face. 

So instead of a reply, Shelby leans in once more, this time kissing Toni on the lips. It’s just a soft kiss, almost innocent, and the angle is a bit awkward, but they’re both smiling as Shelby nestles against Toni’s body again. 

She’s almost asleep when she hears Toni’s words. „How did I deserve that?“

Too tired to reply, Shelby only gives herself the promise to work hard to make Toni see what she sees. 

...


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it :)

...

Toni doesn’t sleep much that night. Not because she’s not tired, she is, but because she’s not willing to waste time. 

She doesn’t know how long she’s got. Good things don’t last in her life, never have, and the island brutally proofed that today. It allows a few minutes of happiness, and the next moment the ocean swallows one of them just like that. 

It’s only a matter of time until the next catastrophe hits them. 

Staring at the stars, she thinks about how her life consists of catastrophes and little breaks in between them, barely long enough to give her hope. Her dad, the no-show, her mom, the walking definition of catastrophe, the foster parents, Reagan. And of course, the fucking plane crash. A. Fucking. Plane. Crash. It sounds like the worst joke. 

Shelby might be the best thing that’s ever happened to her, but it’s only going to be a matter of time. That’s how it always was and probably always will be. 

And if it’s not the outside world, then she’ll probably find a way to screw it up herself. 

So no, Toni is not going to sleep while she holds the beautiful blonde girl in her arms. A girl far out of her league. Their paths would’ve never crossed if it wasn’t for this horror trip. Even if they would’ve lived in the same town, went to the same school, Shelby would’ve walked past her on school corridors without a glance, and Toni would’ve hated her. 

But now she’s here. In Shelby’s arms. Because their plane crashed and their lives did too. And now Shelby seems to steal little bits of her heart day by day.

The scariest thing is: it doesn’t scare Toni. Nothing that good will ever scare her again. 

What scares her though is that it’s been about three weeks and they’ve already lost two of them. 

Her eyes glance over to Rachel. If she’s not dying of an infection, she’s going to need all of them to survive the loss of her sister. 

Instinctively, her arms wrap around Shelby a little tighter, the need to protect her overwhelming. 

—-

With the first sunrays bathing the world in a strange mixture of orange and gold, the first yawn rips Toni out of her thoughts. 

Leah, who hasn’t said one word since the shark attack, sits up and takes in her surroundings. When her eyes land on Shelby and proceed to move to Toni’s face, Toni isn’t quite sure what to make of her facial expression. 

Their position doesn’t leave a lot of room for interpretations, really, and she fears that maybe she should’ve woken Shelby up before the other’s see them like this, but it’s too late for that. 

Leah holds her gaze for a really long, unnerving moment, before she sends Toni a smile. 

Without a word she leans over to grab her bottle of water, takes a few sips and lays back down. 

Well. Maybe she isn’t as nuts as she let’s everybody believe.

Toni then decides to make sure that Shelby gets what she wants, so she carefully runs her fingers through Shelby’s hair. „Hey.“ She whispers. „Shelby.“

The blonde mumbles something incomprehensible. 

„Wake up.“ Toni nudges her softly. 

As a response Shelby only snuggles deeper into Toni’s body, if that’s possible. 

Toni almost laughs at the cuteness, and makes a mental note to tease Shelby about it later. „Shelby.“ She tries again, carefully placing her palm against the blonde‘s cheek. 

Shelby’s eyes flutter open, immediately locking onto Toni’s. 

Toni’s stomach stings weirdly as she’s faced with colorful shades of blue and green blending in together in Shelby’s eyes.

Her head is suddenly running a hundred miles a minute as it desperately tries to conserve that moment for eternity. 

Even with messy and uneven hair, lake bathes and waterfall showers as their only way to get clean, and sunburnt skin Shelby looks like a goddess. 

Shelby’s lips break into a smile and without hesitation she leans up to kiss Toni softly. „Good morning.“ She hums quietly. 

Toni feels the words more against her lips than she hears them. The sensation catapults her heart up into space. 

„Good morning.“ She replies, eyes fluttering open. 

Shelby is still smiling, and after a couple of seconds she breaks the eye contact to look around. Her eyes land on Rachel. 

„She’s okay.“ Toni tells her, watching as worry and a frown itch their way into Shelby’s forehead. 

„Good.“ Shelby then turns back to Toni. „And you?“

„I’m good.“ Toni replies, trying to read the mood Shelby is in. „How about you?“

There’s maybe one second where she finds insecurity in Shelby’s eyes before it disappears. 

Shelby doesn’t answer. Instead she leans up and kisses Toni again. This time it’s different though. 

Because Shelby kisses her with unexpected vigor, her chapped lips moving slow but no less fierce against her own. She’s taking. 

Toni’s heart stutters a couple of beats in surprise, and then it starts thrumming fast, her body restarting as if it got electrocuted. She pulls Shelby closer against her body, and kisses her back. Her fingertips feel cold against a soft patch of skin right above Shelby’s waist. The feeling burns right through her veins. 

It’s an innocent kiss, slow and not even tongue, and yet it’s the opposite, the mixture intoxicating and addicting. 

If it wasn’t for the lack of oxygen, Toni wouldn’t come up for air ever. But she has to as her lungs start burning. 

As she breaks their lips apart their foreheads stay connected, their noses almost touching. 

Shelby’s hot breath on her lips makes Toni shiver. 

Never has she been kissed like that. 

„Jesus.“ Shelby mumbles. 

„Jesus doesn‘t have anything to do with that.“ Toni replies, earning a chuckle from Shelby.

„Nah, he really doesn’t.“ She replies, and then leans up for another kiss, this time short and controlled and sweet. 

Toni can‘t find the strength to open her eyes, no matter the beauty in front of her. „What do you wanna do?“

Shelby’s nose bumps into Toni’s. „I don’t know, I...“ She takes a shaky breath. „I want you.“

 _Oh, what a small and sweet sentence can do to a woman._ „You have me.“ 

„I’m trying to... figure this out. It’s confusing.“

Toni pulls back an inch and looks at Shelby. She finds her face troubled and her eyes vulnerable. „I know. Just... take your time.“

Shelby shakes her head, stealing a glance at the others. Probably to make sure no one hears them. „I don’t mean myself and this. I know what I feel. What...“ She swallows. „What I am. I’m just trying to figure out what it means for my religion. For my beliefs.“

Toni’s first instinct is being impulsive and saying what comes to her mind first, but she doesn’t want to do that with Shelby. She might not understand religion at all, might not believe in anything, but Shelby does. It matters to her, and it must be turning her world upside down right now. 

„What do you need?“ She asks, while gently playing with a strand of blonde hair. 

Shelby’s round eyes look up at her pleadingly as if Toni could tell her the answer. 

But she doesn’t. 

„Leah saw us earlier.“ Toni tells her instead, wanting to be honest and feeling like Shelby should know. 

Shelby’s eyes widen. 

„She smiled and went back to sleep. She’s cool with it.“

Shelby runs a hand over her face and up into her hair. After a moment of thinking, she presses her lips to Toni’s cheek and gets up. „I’ll go for a little walk, is that okay for you?“

„It’s cool with me.“

It isn’t, but only because Toni feels sad she can’t help her sorting out her head. 

She stretches her legs and arms while she watches Shelby walking up the hill to their spot. 

_All she needs is some space,_ she tells herself. _And we definitely have enough of that._

—-

It’s not long before one by one the girls wake up. 

Dot checks on Rachel’s stump and changes their makeshift wound bandage. 

Martha gets up to grab some more fire wood. 

Leah stares at the horizon. 

And Fatin lets herself fall down next to Toni and stares at her expectantly.

„What?“

„Where’s your girl?“

„She isn’t my girl.“

„So there’s no sexual tension between you and my talk with Shelby didn’t happen yesterday. Alright.“

Toni opens her mouth to retort a smartass reply, but stops. Shelby talked to Fatin? When? 

„Gotcha.“ Fatin grins. „But don’t stress, I promised not to say a word. Not my place.“

Toni nods a thank you. „She’s up there.“ She points at the hill. 

„It must be hella confusing for her.“

Toni nods, still unsure whether to talk to Fatin about it or not. She doesn’t want to break Shelby’s trust.

„She’s scared of what you guys think of her.“ Toni tells Fatin after a moment. 

„I don’t think she is scared of that. I think it makes it more real to share it with us, and that’s what scares her.“ Fatin replies. „And I know how that feels.“ 

„Don’t we all?“ Toni mumbles, different thoughts coming together in her head. How she came out to Martha years ago. How she told Reagan how she felt, putting her heart out there for the first time ever. 

„Yeah, we do.“ 

They sit in silence for a moment. 

Then Fatin suddenly pats Toni’s thigh. „Good talk. Now excuse me.“ She gets up and walks over to the tree line, disappearing from view. 

Toni’s lips break into a smile and she shakes her head at Fatin’s behavior. 

Yeah, she loves all of her girls by now. It’s a weird and funny feeling in her stomach, especially in times like these.

But maybe she’s only hungry, and the feeling isn’t weird at all. 

...


End file.
